Are you among the marrieds who have in-law challenges? Do you have a spouse who seems to be too attached to their parents? Do you or your spouse concerned that the other prioritizes their parents over you? Are there conflicts over clashes in values or religion? Or are things generally fine until the holidays come around? Perhaps you have another type of challenge with your in-laws. If this sounds like you read on and discover the number one thing to do to deal with your in-laws during the holidays.The holidays can make any existing in-law issues even worse. Whether it is a struggle over where to celebrate the holidays at, who will cook what, whose traditions will be followed, everything can become intensified at this time of the year. There is a lot to be said about in-law issues that may affect the relationship all year round and a lot of questions to be answered (see upcoming issues for more information on in-law struggles).However, if you are concerned about the short term and getting through the holidays more smoothly there is one first step you must take to help resolve, or at least smooth out prickly issues: Sit down with your spouse with a cooperative and calm demeanor that communicates, “I want to see what we can do to have the best Thanksgiving (Christmas, Easter, etc.) we can.Once you are sitting down together ask yourselves the following questions:-What is the tone you want to set for these holidays?
-What are the specific traditions you want to include?
-What behaviors are you anticipating will bother you most from your in-laws?
-Can the two of you be direct with each other about the problems?
-Can you be direct with the in-laws?
-How can the biologically related spouse support the needs and concerns of their spouse?
-What steps can either and both of you take that are preventative and then what steps can you
-Take to address issues as they arise?
-Plan in advance how one or both of you might respond when the thorny issue crops up when everyone is passing the cranberry mold.During this conversation there are a few important tips to remember:#1 – Remain calm and approach your partner with an attitude of curiousity and problem-solving mindset. “Tell me how you feel when _______ happens when we are all together?”#2 – Avoid getting defensive. Instead, take a breath and remain open and receptive.#3 – Stress your concern for your partners’ (child of the in-laws) stress level when things go badly.#4 – Be honest about your reactions and avoid blaming your in-laws or assassinating their character. Also avoid blaming your spouse. “Your mother is always so mean to me.” “Your father is a drunk.” Instead try, “I feel humiliated when your mother criticizes me in front of the whole family. I’m not sure how to get her to stop.”#5 – Be specific. Rather than sweeping statements like, “Your mother is so controlling.” “I get frustrated when your mother comes in and starts resetting the table and moving things around.” or “I feel angry when your father tells you to ‘man up’.#6 – Remind each other you are a team and on each other’s side.I hope this helps you have a smooth and peaceful holiday season.